Everydays little things

It started yesterday when i was home all alone sewing a beautiful wedding dress, and i  felt really sad. my only companion was a cat that i hate and that is not mine and 1 beer. so i decided, since i haven’t been very happy lately, i am going to try to find 1 unordinary or beautiful thing in the world every day.So..

2.05.2011.

An old women across the nearby yard was digging something. At first i thought that she is bearing her dead cat, but i couldn’t see the body. Than i noticed that she is just looking after her 2 plants which looked like a strawberry plants. She barely moved  and looked quite sad, but not careless. It was nice.

3.05.2011.

I just found out that Jazzu and Leon Somov are going to be in Riga in 27.05. Something to look up to.

4.05.2011.

I finished a wedding dress for a bride who’s wedding is going to be tomorrow. It looks awesome and amazing. Took me 1 week.

5.05.2011.

There was a wedding. And I made the dress!!!

6.05.2011.

A crow eating green olive in the park. Sophisticated.

7.05.2011.

“Vampire diaries” season 2 episode 21, the last song -Birdy’s “skinny love”. I cried a river, remembering my time in America and Bon Iver..

8.05.2011.

I was driving with a bus from my hometown, and when i entered the vehicle, i noticed a very interesting collection. The driver had saved all of the earrings that have been lost in his bus and put them on the window curtain.

9.05.2011

I was walking down the street in my little pink dress, when suddenly a gay in a jeep put a song ‘baby, take of your clothes… real slow…’ And looked at me and smiled hi hi

11.05.2011

Somebody just threw out a television set from 6th floor. Nice noise when the glass cracked.

Loveburns

Love.

I talk like i would know one.  The craziness/ the pure freedom/ the joy and the misunderstandings – all mixed up together in that word. A man can try all his life to know himself and maybe to find out what kind of persons are around him, but never find out the ups and the dows of Love. We never know when it comes/ gooes/is real or unreal/ is true or false /exists or not. Every year we look for it,  try to get it on our skin, try to feel it in our bodies.

Every year we get loveburns.

Every next year we go out, we stay in love, we find ourselves looking at it again with a true smile – the Love is here. Like the spring. Like the icecream truck.  Like you,  sitting in the sands alone or with friends.

But then you get loveburns on your skin again. And you promise to Love, that next time you’ re going to use a protection. A very high one, that will make you only look pretty, not hurt. You make a list or your previous failures, of all the protections that didn’ t work before.

But it’s no use, baby.

You never know how the day might end.

Love can find you again. And make you look pretty. Or hurt. It’ s definately not up to you.

Left behind.

” I think i was left behind somewhere, because i’ m still romantic”.

I don’ t like guns and blood. I hate seeing people falling and i always close my eyes when there is a car crashed on the street.

I’ m sorry.

I hate the fact that everybody fucks everybody. I have this theory that one can be happy when have found someone  to care about and someone to whom say ” i love you, too”  without feeling guilty or caved in, or can feel free  saying ” yes, i fucking love you. and that’ s the fact.. and, ACTUALLY i really care what do you have to say about that, so please don’ t just say – oh, that’s nice or – thank you, sweety”.  These are not the words to say thank you for.

My world.

In my world there are all kinds of animals, but never cats. There are billions of birds floating in the air, but they never shit on your shoulders. there is this place where people go to dig gold, but they are pretty happy to find sun bunnies and rainbows, too. People never feel any disappointment about the things that happen.  In my world people are never angry, because they always talk to each other and read smart books.

When there is rain, girls come out and sing songs about flowers that never bloom.  They do it really loudly. when there is sun, everybody eats cookies and drinks coffee and they never have stomachache afterwards.

In my world, lilac blooms when a child is born. but children never cry, they’re just running around the meadow naked all day long.

In my world there is always an IT specialist that mends your computer when it’s broke and sends you nice songs on skype when you’ re broke. on my balcony there is always a circle to circle around your belly and jump rope that’s not for striking but for jumping.

Every evening boys play gitares and girls are picking up wild strawberries on bents or making salads. In winters everybody drinks cocoa that smells like coffee and whistls like professionals.

And Love happens like with swans – once and for real.

In my world everything lasts till the very end and volcanos blow only for fun not for catastrophes. And it never gets cold from fear…

All my people live there.

The truth.

There is  more than just black and white. Also, there is more then love and hate. All what i do in my life is somewhere in between. I guess a man can be happy to experience at least one of the ends on the story. It doesn’t always have to be love that gives as a reason to live. it doesn’t  have to be child or family or better future or revenge that moves us forward on the life line-.

The hardest thing for me is to find that one point in me, that is not looking for any end, that doesn’ t make a border for anything. I am not trying to be. Cause I am.

The life will happen anyway. With or without me. I will move forward no matter what and that i can’t change. Even when i’m stuck, i’m moving. Only backwards.

Nothing ever stops.  Love don’t stop.  Sex doesn’ t end.

It’s not helpless. It’ s freeking powerwool.

Enjoy.

Cold ground, warm heart.

After i have walked all the streets alone and made all the suppers for my billion imaginary friends, i stumble down again and lay down on a cold ground. Million billion miles from where you are, i find my self in the middle of a pale green field. like a new born child i’m waiting to be pushed out of this watery melancholia and held in a sweet warm arms of someone i will love for all my life.

Soul strip.

No prom dresses.

No promises.

No presure.

I’m waiting for my grand finale.

Kiss me. Hug me. Have me. Let me. Talk. I don’t care what about. Just talk with/to me. Tell me about the newest cars. Tell me about gardens with no flowers, tell me about people who have died. Tell me about all the things that moves your heart. I will listen. I’ll keep silence. I’ll keep all your silence to myself. I will care.

Our distance is only ours. No one can take it away from us, even by bringing both of us together again.

Bottle.

it’s like looking at an empty bottle.

dirty.

sticky.

but empty…

you can see through the glass walls, you can see my insides..  sure you want to make me feel better, want to make me clean again and full with clear water.. but all the liquids  just swash around – up and down again and again,  in and out.

none of it absorbs.  I am an empty bottle,  swashing around all the happenings, all the must-does, can’t-does, wanna-does.. Once You drunk happiness out of me. You laughed, you danced, You screamed, you loved.. You filled Yourself with all that mattered to me.

This week’ s Magical “To Do List”.

1. Make a Dress for Arnold Swarcheneger’s girl friend.

2. Take a polaroid picture with stripper, who has fake boobs.

3. Go to gay bar with pretty Patrick.

4.Make “love soup”.

5. Kiss a black girl.

6. Get a cheese stake.

7. Take some photos of my fashion with a beautiful black girl.

8. Try not to miss a plane on tuesday.

Two days in Paris

J: I don’ t know you.

M:What are you talking about? Are you drunk?

J: I’ m sitting at this fast food restaurant.. and I’ m holding hands with this fairy right before he sets the place on fire, you know?

M: A Fairy?

J: Oh, not like – not a gay person. You know – like from heaven. Or a schizophrenic vegan. Maybe. He hated fast food… I realized something so basic. I mean, soo basic.. I don’t know you.

M: You don’ t know me?

J: No.

(Marrion Narrating) To sum up the four hours of discusion that followed, it’s not easy being in  a relationship.. Much less to truly know the other one and accept them as they are with all their flaws and baggage. Jack confessed to me his fear of being rejected if I truly knew him; if he showed himself totally bare to me. Jack realized after two years of being with me that he didn’ t know me at all.. Nor did I know him. And to truly love each other, we needed to know the truth about each other, even if it’s not so easy to take. So I told him the truth, which was I had never cheated on him and I also told him that I had just seen Mathieu that afternoon. He did not get mad at me because nothing had happened, of course. I confessed to Jack that the thoughest thing for me was to decide to be with someone for good. The idea that this is it.. I’ m going to spend the rest of my life with, to decide that I will make the effort to stay and work things out and not run off the minute there is a problem, is very difficult for me. I told him I could not be for just one man for the rest of my life. It was a lie, but I said it anyway.. He asked me if I thought I was a squirrel collecting men like nuts to put away for a cold winters. I thought it was quite funny. Then he said something that hurt my feelings. The tone changed drastically. Then I misunderstood what he was saying. I thought he meant he didn’ t love me anymore and that he wanted to break up. It allways fascinates me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all. Nothing..  It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is.. One more one less. Another wasted love story. I really loved this one. When I thing that it’ s over, that I’ ll never see him again like this – Well, yes, I’ll bump into him. We’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as we’ d never been together. Then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less, until we’ll forget each other complitely. Almost. Always the same thing for me: break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. meet one guy, then another. fuck around to forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness, start to look again for true love. Desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one – until that one is gone as well. There’s a moment in life, where you can’ t recover anymore from another breakup. And even if this person bugs you 60% of the time – well, you still can’ t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day bu sneezing right in your face, well, you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.